Big Eye On FHM

Editor Ross Brown dug into his pockets and put a fiver on the case. Would we all be covered in sick after this reckless stunt? Would Lil’ Lee get sent to a nearby hospital for de-cinnamonisation? Or would the daredevil prevail and walk away with a free lunch?

See for yourself here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHPccMVcJy4.

Cinnamon whirls anyone?

In a neat role-reversal, we're off to make the tea while Claire writes about the five things that surprised her during her week at FHM...

It is a widely known fact that work experience has the possibility to make or break you both in career and as a person. This was steadily pounding through my head as I arrived on Monday morning for my first day at the FHM office. Sweaty palms and an increased heart rate are common factors, along with the irrepressible urge to march in, turn heads and make a difference. I expected the worst (Irate, over-worked ogres with don’t-you-dare-come-near-me looks on their faces) but in reality I was pleasantly surprised and here are the reasons why.

1. Second day, and three hours were dominated by flicking through the high street honeys entries, to work out who was better looking. (Sigh, If only I were male) even though it prompted a desperate plea from my brother to get him work experience there, it was a good step away from sorting the post.

2. As I was allocated my own desk, computer and telephone, I was able to feign importance, even if it was just for a fleeting moment.

3. Instead of being faced with a lot of wired-up, coffee drinking, silence at all times workaholics, I was pleased to find that everyone seemed relatively human, with smiles and laughs (along with crude jokes – it is FHM after all) a regular occurrence.

4. Instead of a kettle, the kitchen had instant boiling water. Sound trivial, I know but for those who have done work experience and know how many cups of tea a day you have to make, this is the most spectacular thing a workie could possibly be greeted with.

5. Finally, the biggest surprise of all, they asked me to come back…

So, advice to future nobodies, braving the nerves to step into the FHM office, just remember they’re only human…(well…most of them are anyway)

Below is a list of what we've come up with so far. We've also included some contributions from readers. Click on the 'Add a comment' link if you can add to the collection.

• Korma korma korma chameleon (Culture Club)
• Poppadom preach (Madonna)
• Sagaloo loo loo loo push pineapple shake the tree (Blacklace)
• Sag but true (Metallica)
• She drives me jalfrezi (Fine Young Cannibals)
• She's got a ticka to ride (The Beatles)
• Nan nan nan nannannan nan nannannan, hey Jude! (The Beatles)
• Tears on my pilao, pain in my heart (Nash)
• I korma from a lamb passanda (Men at Work)
  
  From 'Huggylove'
• Jalfrezi in love (Beyonce)
• When I phaal in love (Perry Como)
• Thai green kangaroo down sport (Rolf Harris)
  
  From 'Ed'
• Gangsta's pilau rice (Coolio)

In our new issue staff writer Tom sent a bunch of 'blagging letters' to unsuspecting recipients. We received the Queen's reply too late to make our print deadlines, but here are both letters, exclusive to the blog:

Queen Elizabeth II,

You probably receive requests like this regularly but I figure if I don't ask I won't get.

I'll cut to the chase. I'm a huge fan of yours and have attended a number of events at which you were present but have never had a chance to have a chinwag.

I think you do wonderful things in the UK, love your outfits and my girlfriend thinks you're the bees knees. She really does!

Is there any chance the two of us could come to Bucky.P and meet you for a quick jibber-jabber, and perhaps, a spot of luncheon?

Keep up the grrrrrreeeeeeat work!

Thomas.O.Cullen Jnr

Here's the reply:

Buckingham Palace

28 September, 2006

Dear Mr Cullen Jnr

The Queen has asked me to thank you for your letter of 5th September requesting an audience with Her Majesty. I am afraid, however, that it will not be possible to do as you ask since each day The Queen has to undertake a large number of engagements and official audiences and it is just not practicable for her to add to her diary all the many similar requests such as yours that are received. I am sorry to send you a disappointing reply to your request.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs. Sonia Bonici

Senior Correspondence Officer

Although Tom was unsuccessful in his bid to meet the Queen, he did manage to succeed in blagging free lap dance vouchers, a reservation at Gordon Ramsey's poncy restaurant Claridges (usually a three month wait) and free membership to Charlton Athletic football club. They're all in the new issue, on sale at Her Majesty's news agencies across the country now.

For example, our long-suffering editorial assistant once opened a package from Scotland, only to find a carefully laid turd inside one of our English World Cup hats. And just last month we received not one, but two advance copies of David Hasselhoff‘s autobiography.

We don't always receive crap. No, sometimes we get letters like this one:

Her Majesty’s Prison
Blundeston

31/10/06

Dear FHM,

The following true story, although has a macabre and drug related influence is worth the telling - I have taken the liberty of changing names, but left the rest as was:

This tale was told me by an old cellmate one night. Bill, (we shall call him), having arrived at his dealer’s house, found, (Fred), in a tither and nervous wreck.

“You’ve got to help me Bill,” he said, “I’m in a right pickle.” Having inquired as to the ‘Pickle’ Fred led Bill into his kitchen. There slumped over the table was ‘Dave’, another drug addict.

“He’s dead” said Fred, “OD’d an hour ago.”

“Call an ambulance” said Bill.

“No way, I’ll be in trouble with the old bill – help me and I’ll sort you out” replied Fred. A price was agreed and they set to.

Later that evening there was a knock at the door. Fred opened it to find Dave standing there very much alive and extremely angry.

Fred and Bill had put Dave in Dave’s car and driven him down the road. There they had sollotaped Dave’s head to the driver’s side headrest, placing a baseball cap on his head. They had wound down the window, sellotaped his arm so it leaned on the door, turned up the stereo full blast and scarperd – hoping the music would attract attention, which it did.

A local bobby on the beat had discovered Dave, who by this time was coming around. He knew Dave and inquired as to how he had come to be in such a predicament. To which Dave mumbled it being a prank.

The copper ended up writing a ticket for no tax and one unworthy tyre.

Yours sincerely
Paul

For the uninitiated it works like this: every day the editor receives packages from PR companies. The contents of these can vary, from a free mobile phone to a box of flowers.

Whenever the ed is sent a package that could be a little bit rubbish, he offers to sell it to anyone in the office for a fiver.

Yesterday Lil' Lee took up the challenge. Was the package worth £5? The short answer is "No". See for yourself below…

Apparently (according to Tom's anecdotal evidence) around 20% of actors are 'gay for pay'.

This led to the inevitable question:

How much money would you want to star in a gay movie?

Several staffers settled on a figure of "at least £5 million".

Assuming that everyone has their price, another question comes to mind:

Would you rather give or receive?

Remember, it's only gay if you push back.

Apparently we're odds-on to win the 'Most pizza consumed before a ceremony' award.

After several hours of suspicious craft-type noises from the back of the office, Ryan produced his masterpiece: a full body-length Optimus Prime suit. Not only did he impress the entire staff, but he also took to the streets of London to spread Autobot goodness.

Check out the pics below, and there is a shiny new video on You Tube.

Autobots, roll out!